The Play
by nike13
Summary: Alt Title: Never Let a Baka Narrate. Made for a fanfiction contest awhile back.  Its just about a play being performed by the pilots.  I had a ton of fun with this, can you tell?


_Once again, life decided to fart in my face_, Heero thought as he tried to remember why he was here. Somehow, he and the other pilots had been convinced, or drafted, into doing a play for their current high school. Heero was lucky enough to not be given an actual role in the play; instead he stood under the stage, his script in hand and looking up onto the stage from the Director's box.

"Ahem," Duo cleared his throat; he stood at a podium situated to the far right of the stage dressed in a black suit and red tie. It was almost time for the play to begin, so he straightened his tie for the tenth time and waited as the lights dimmed and the people began to settle in their seats.

"Or story begins," Duo said clearly into the microphone, "with a young girl and her mother." That was the cue for the curtains to rise, Duo waited but nothing happened. To his rear, Duo could hear slight rustling and then a curse. "As I was saying," Duo stalled, wondering what could be happening behind him, "this girl, played by our very own Quatre, and her mother, played by the ever popular Wufei-"

"What do you mean we're out of lube?!" a harsh and very audible whisper interrupted Duo from behind him. Duo stood stock still, his eyes as big as saucers, as the whispering continued, being carried throughout the auditorium for all to hear. "There's no way we used it all."

"I mean, there's no more," came a second voice, not even bothering to whisper its response, "And don't even think of blaming me, you and Quatre have been using that stuff like its water." Duo just stared at the audience, frozen by the conversation behind him.

"We've only been using it when we need to, this need a lot of coaxing to work," said the first voice, Duo labeling it as Trowa's.

"I don't care, just make it happen," the other demanded (Wufei).

Heero popped a sign up from his little box for Duo to see reading "Stall! Curtain Stuck."

Duo read and understood; nodding, he gathered what was left of his composure and addressed the startled audience of parents and students. "Apparently there are some technical issues ensuing back there, so in the mean time I shall be here to entertain you."

Duo opened the little door on his side of the podium and pulled out his personal stash of stuff. "Can we have lights?" he called out and was greeted by two large stage lights focusing directly on him as the curtain continued to rustle and curse. "Thank you. As I was saying this story is about a young girl," he raised his Chii doll from below the podium, "and her mother," up came his Yuna doll. "The girl," Duo jiggled Chii, "was young and beautiful but not too bright. She constantly walked through the forest, no matter how many times her mother," the Yuna doll bobbed up and down, "told her not to."

"I've got the lube!" shouted the curtain causing Duo to lose track of his thoughts.

"Where did you find that, Quatre?" Trowa's voice asked.

"Duo's drawer, you wouldn't believe what he's got in there. There are handcuffs, a whip, and these-"

At that moment the curtain rose to life, showing Trowa dressed as a knight, Wufei grumbling at the faulty curtain pulley in drag and Quatre dressed like a young girl holding up a leopard print thong.

Duo looked back, his stare rivaling one of Heero's death glares, who at this point was sporting a good nose bleed underneath the stage, "Shall we begin?" he asked coldly. Quatre nodded, eyes wide, and took his position center stage, Wufei followed grudgingly.

"Now folks," Duo said in feigned cheerfulness, "its time for the real story." Duo's eyes gained a devilish tinge as he tossed his Yuna and Chii dolls over his shoulder, both being caught by the hanging ropes from the ceiling above them.

"What this story is really about is...the idiot Quatrina and her violent, sadistic mother Wu-mei."

"You can't change the script!" Wufei shouted from center stage.

"I am the narrator," Duo said, "You will obey me."

The audience backed into their seat as fear penetrated their very being, this was not going to be any Sleeping Beauty. Duo tossed a book to Wufei from his podium and continued.

"One day, Wu-mei was reading a book and -"

"What the hell is this?" Wufei shouted, pointing to the cover of the book Duo threw at him.

"It's FAKE."

"It's porn!" Wufei yelled back; face bright red as he thumbed through the pages.

"Its yaoi," Duo corrected, "Now with the story. While Wu-mei was reading, idiot Quatrina snuck out of the house to find herself some lovin'."

Quatre looked at Duo pleadingly as he acted out what was said, swaying his hips in what he hoped was a slutty manor.

"After walking for sometime, Quatrina came across a knight on a horse," Trowa was shoved out onto the stage by unseen hands with a horse's head on a stick between his legs.

"Quatrina, being the horny, stupid slut she is," Duo continued, scribbling on a large piece of paper and then raised it for Quatre to read, "said:"

"Hey there, big boy, nice horse you have there," Quatre read, his face the color of tomatoes.

Heero returned to his director's box, Kleenex in nose, in time to see just where Duo was taking this play. Trowa spoke, reading the large paper Duo was holding up for him in his monotone voice.

"Hey there cutie, care to take a ride?"

"Damn I hope he's good in the sack Quatre 'cause he sure ain't out of it," Duo commented, making Quatre turn crimson. "Anyway, the two hit it off, in more ways than one, wink wink knudge knudge, and before you know it, Quatrina is pregnant." Wufei is shoved back on stage as Trowa is yanked off by a hook.

"What the hell is going on?!" Wufei shouted.

"Good improve, Wu-man - or should I say, Wu-mom," Duo turned to the paralyzed audience, "Now obviously Wu-mei is pissed her daughter was stupid enough to get pregnant, she forces Quatrina to find this knight and make him marry her," Trowa is shoved on stage again, "but after he hears what their rumpus through the wilderness has done, he high tales it out of there warp speed as Quatrina yells after him..."

"Oh fuck this and fuck you too; hell, fuck the damn horse you rode in on!" Quatre shouted, reading from Duo's card.

"Now, Quatrina was alone, her mother abandoned her slut daughter and bastard child and -"

**WHACK**

Heero stood next to the podium, baseball bat in hand. Duo hit the floor shouting out, "Gundam Crystal Power, Make Up!"

"And Quatrina sued the knight for abandonment and damages, got a shit load of money and she lived happily ever after, the end," Heero ended as he placed the bat next to the podium.

"Thank you for your patronage," Heero continued as he looked out into the stunned audience, "I hope everyone has learned the moral of the story, never let a baka narrate."

The audience left in a flood of worried glances and scared cries. Trowa and Wufei met Heero, Quatre (who was now in tears from what Duo had forced him to do) and the unconscious baka near the podium.

"It's over?!" Relena whined as she ran to the stage, "What about the second act?! I never got to go on!"

"You should be glad you didn't," Heero said, "He might've used the handcuffs on you, followed by a bullet."

"But I didn't do anything to him."

"You exist, that's enough," Wufei muttered.

"Will he be alright?" Trowa asked Heero, motioning to their unconscious comrade. Heero nudged the body with his foot.

"I'm a little Gundam, short and stout...aww, but Heero, the thong is for you."

"He'll be fine," Heero surveyed the damage, other than his friends' pride, the stage was surprisingly intact. Then he looked up, "Um, Trowa, why is there a Yuna doll hanging from the ceiling?"

The End


End file.
